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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It annoys my family and friends and workmates, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay focused and avoid anxious tangents, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a load on others.

Understanding the Roots

A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Inquiries such as, “How young were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or adopted from someone close to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it irritates those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to consider and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more effective. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and anxiety.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.